I have a read a couple of different posts, or articles on this subject. One about a young person who had pondered ending their life and felt inspired by the lyrics to a song that brought presence and ability to enter back into life. BEautiful story. I love how music does that. It is like it reaches right through the barriers of space time and words and speaks directly to our soul. I want to stop before the interpretation of the story, which was to live your life for others. That struck me with great force and left me discouraged and feeling a weigh that in the words of one of my friends illustrates what happens over time when we live for others.
"For years I have just collected my emotions and stored them in my proverbial shelf. I sort the feelings and emotions and place them in neat and tidy little boxes and store them on this emotional shelf. Continuing the illusion that I have my shit together. These imaginary boxes stay on this pretend shelf with the real food I eat."
When we live for others our feelings have little merit except to guide us to be better at doing things for others. I know that I am simplifying this and that those who argue that we should live to do good for others have all sorts of arguments about how wrong I am, but…… I have done it both ways. There is a terrible assumption that if we live for ourselves, from our desires, from our hearts and hopes and needs that selfishness is the base. Sad and terribly wrong assumption. So we could live for ourselves in a way that is devoid of love or concern for another, but that is no more authentic to the soul of the person living than to live for others, either way, we are trapped by fear, and illusions that stop us from truly understanding who we are. The thing of it is life is messy. We have feelings of sadness, anger, regret, frustration and they are a part of our process and learning and when we shelve them, there is hell to pay. My friend shares how hers ended up as extra weight, mine physical illness because I didn't even know what it felt like to hear my own heart. How in God's name, which is the name we do things can we help anyone without our own heart and voice guiding us. I can hear the arguments again, but speaking from experience and from a place where I told myself that what I was doing was what I wanted, well taught words to my mind, but with no basis, regurgitating what I had been told about losing yourself. What happens when you lose yourself? You get lost. Your kids grow up, your husband my leave, or die, a job may change or no longer be there, even friends can come and go. So what do I have without my feelings, my heart, my desires, my passion, my dreams? I can tell you, a lot of fear and emptiness, always trying to see what someone else wants or needs you to do. Shutting off your real dreams, assuming there is no possibility of life for your heart, for you, only a life of losing yourself, which is supposed to make you feel amazing, but like an over dose of chocolate it really feels good until the emptiness kicks in later, leaving you feeling broken and lost, so you need more.
So, then what do we want the basis of life to be, if not just giving ourselves away? The fallacy being bred and going strong is about basing your life on something tangible and controllable , like I am living to do good for someone else. I can define that, picture it, give myself kudos for my success. It is definable, your success is definable. Did someone else feel good? Yes, you won. If not, you lose. Did it fit the parameter that I have defined as success and love? If yes, then I win. Sounds very simple and incredibly codependent and dysfunctional. You need someone else, something external to get this right. I want to propose a drastic and different basis for how we live. Love. Very simple. But not the do-gooding, dependent kind of love, but an authentic self love. It emanates from our souls, from our desires, from the relationships that we have, but unlike doing for others this can't be measured for success by what others may think, doesn't necessarily, fit into an idea that is held in society somewhere. In fact in showing real self love you may have to do some things that are hard and others are unhappy, and frightened of, but we as beings know when we are connected to ourself and to the love that makes the universe go round. Lest we think that like giving yourself away that feels really good, this kind is frought with uphill personal growth. There is spaces in time where feelings stop us from what we really want, the kind of love we want to live in and we must STOP and pull them out, maybe yell and scream a little, look good and hard at those feelings turn them around hold them close so we get them, then we can let them go. IT is not neat. We are constantly bumping up against ourselves with no externals to give us the answer, only love and the source of love within us can find our way through those feelings and experiences. But, it is beautiful and amazing. I remember the first time in this process where someone asked me a very deep question about what I wanted and I knew that in the past I would have had no idea , but it was clear that neither option they presented was anywhere close to my heart. I was delighted that I had heard myself for the first time in so many years. My heart has been buried for a long time under the expectations of others, systems of thought, family and societal expectations that I believed would be the guide through the difficulties, but came to understand the real truth was that my heart unburied would be my only real guide through the swamp. I am being connected and inspired by love and if I listen that is where I will live. that is my goal. That is my choice to live from love. You cannot know if I am succeeding, only I and powers that be, the source of all love know the path I am walking and the story being written. Thanks God for our hearts, and for our feelings, for with love as the source material. There is always healing, life and light. This world is busy trying to externalize and define this love in a neat package that gives you the ability to pat yourself on the back and say "well done" and to be able to see that and know it in others, but the real source of "well done" is in our hearts, with the love source we draw from. That source asks nothing but being alive for you to experience that love. There are moments where we get close enough to our own heart to hear it. Those are usually the moments when we have lost everything on the outside that was defining us, leaving us in a state where our heart begins its journey of being unburied from the beliefs that bind it and keep it from expressing its truth. The beginning is usually the hardest place, the deepest grief, the most loss, that we finally shed enough to hear what our heart has know all along, but it may be packed in some extra weight, do-gooding, illness etc etc……………the list can go on and on and when you are doing the list, you are mostly unaware. I spent a long time unaware until the loss was greater than my ability to pretend and hold up the facade of pretense any more. Now, it is a journey of my heart and love. It is a good place to be, messy but good.
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