Of Desire…..

Here I sit with a foot on both sides of the line. I have already left, but the beliefs run deep leaving a schism of pain, sadness and fear. The beliefs of where and how my worth is determined and designed, where happiness stems from, ideas about what should determine my destiny, what and how emotions play a part in the whole experience here. So, to break those down and look at the incongruity that creates a dilemma, let's start with worth and place/role in life, they are kind of tied together since we really derive our worth from our work. There fore the work that I choose is illusory of my identity, my strengths, my desires, passions and deepest longing of my life. Correct….????? When I was a child as every young girl there is a fascination with having babies, holding them and playing house. As I needed my mother so, I played in fascination for the time when I too could play that role. It was an innate instinct in me to protect and to nurture the young, the sick, the hurt. As I grew older, I became aware of other parts of myself. I loved to dance, do sports, sing, play the piano, grow plants, paint, learn meet people etc…… In determining who I would become, what course of action to take the dye was set. For I was a woman and as we are taught there really is only one course of action to be prepared for and that is marriage and children. The other parts of me fell to the wayside to make way for one dream. I have spent almost 30 years on that dream with little sense of the importance of the other parts of my being. For many of these years I have struggled feeling sad and lost, though I loved deeply my children and wanted nothing more than to be with them, except I began to realize that I not just wanted to, but needed to also be with me. One of my children when she was younger told me that she did not want to be like me when she grew older because she wanted to have a life. I always thought that I did , but then I realized that it was kind of a secret life, that if no one else had any needs I might sneak something in for myself and then feel a little guilty because as any mother knows there is never a time when realistically there is a lack of something to do for your husband or children. My daughter was telling me that she loved being able to learn and be alive and she didn't want to have to give that up when she became a mom.

 "Gladly losing herself in service to her husband and children, she has shown a courageous determination to magnify what she knows is the divine and glorious calling of being a worthy wife and mother."(Ezra T. Benson)

 So, the idea is that we are taught to lose ourselves in serving our families, but then when we are lost in service is there a point when we have so little to give that we sink into depression, a deep sadness of wishing hoping and wanting and having it, but it is always out of our reach? I want to address these ideas and what I have come to see and understand The first premise that all of these ideas stem from is the external sense of knowing vs and internal sense of knowing

* "To all of you there is only one way to safely and confidently meet the obstacles and opportunities that are part of life’s path. First, listen to the prophet and the apostles. Study the principles we teach. Then take those principles to the Lord and ask Him how you should apply them in your life. Ask Him to influence your thoughts, temper your actions, and guide your steps. “Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good” (Alma 37:37). He will communicate with you through the power and presence of the Holy Ghost."

 The first place we are taught to look is to an external source of power, there is a lesson here that we do not have the understanding, nor the insight without this external direction to guide our own lives. It is a rather discouraging concept to base decisions on. It leaves you constantly wondering if you understood the right external message. The prophet says, the spirit says, God says…. we are trying to bring their messages into our internal, turn off our own ideas and hold theirs up to the light to create the reflection which will guide us. That sounds like a sound plan from the perspective I used to hold, but experientially I came to know such a sense of powerlessness about my own choices, because I was taken out of the mix. First and foremost my needs and desires were considered wrong or bad unless they fit with a certain set of parameters meted out by the external sources that we look to. I would refer you the rest of my blog where I have written about some of these issues. http://simplicity-truth.blogspot.ca. To trust, Separate and Distinct, Teach your mind to Listen, The power of Christ in our Lives, The Voice of Pain are some of the entries that have looked at the issue of delegating from our deepest desires and knowing to an external source. One of the things I have come to understand very deeply about this is the fact that my knowing and connecting with God is innate, He is a part of me and like my children will always have my sense of knowing through my DNA and their life, I too no matter what can never get away from his voice. I am horrified at the thought that if I were to teach my child not to cross the road without looking and heaven forbid they did, forgot, got careless, or outright disobeyed and got hit by a car ,that because of their erring when I had told them not to ,that at that moment when they might be most injured I would walk away and refuse my presence, refuse to offer guidance and support. It is a ludicrous thought, but it is just what we are taught.

*"The stunning reality, my dear brothers and sisters, is that you control how close you are to the Lord. You determine just how clear and readily available promptings from the Holy Ghost will be. You determine this by your actions, by your attitude, by the choices you make, by the things you watch and wear and listen to and read, and by how consistently and sincerely you invite the Spirit into your life."(Ballard) 

That is like telling my children that it is up to them how much I will love and help them and that they determine our relationship by how "good " they are…… shockingly incredulous thought. Yes there are things they can do, but by virtue of the fact that they are mine I will always be there for them and unless they tell me they want to be alone or handle the problem themselves, my help is always available, and even at that by virtue of our relationship they will never be without hearing my voice and the love that I have for them, even if not externally. How shockingly sad that our sense of belonging and worth should be tied to how "good" we can be, and that there is a sense that we must earn our worth as opposed to simply have it because we are. My children will never have to earn their worth in my eyes. They belong to me and as a result of our relationship their worth is innate and no matter what they do it is there.

 *"Of this you may be certain: The Lord especially loves righteous women—women who are not only faithful but filled with faith, women who are optimistic and cheerful because they know who they are and where they are going, women who are striving to live and serve as women of God."(M. Russell Ballard) "A righteous woman is a student of the scriptures. Many apply uniquely to her life." (Russell M. Nelson) "Her self-esteem cannot be based on physical features, possession or lack of a particular talent, or comparative quantities of anything. Her self-esteem is earned by individual righteousness and a close relationship with God. Her outward glow is generated by goodness within."(Russell M. Nelson)

 And so I need to declare that I know now that I have never had to earn my worth and that always in the deepest recesses of my heart is the voice and love of the supreme power and essence of the universe- God. When I feel sad and discouraged, lonely or weighed down, I have discovered he is speaking to me. He hasn't left me, those feelings are there to invite me to hold them up to his light, to be seen through love, through the deepest desires of MY heart, the deepest needs of MY life, not filtered through an external source, in fact not filtered at all, only illuminated by his love and the insight his love brings to MY desires. Desires is another area of taboo, to have a desire is simply rejected in any form. We are taught to move from duty, obligation and a sense of external morality, and that our desires are something to be afraid of, that alone without all of the obligations and external sources of guidance we have no hope of being brought closer to Christ .

 " A woman teaches priorities by precept and example. Recently I watched a television program in which a female lawyer was being interviewed. She was at home with her child on a full-time basis. When asked of her decision, she replied, “Oh, I may go back to the law sometime, but not now. For me, the issue is simple. Any lawyer could take care of my clients, but only I should be the mother of this child.” "Such a decision is made not in terms of rights but in terms of obligations and responsibilities. She knows that as she rises to meet responsibilities, rights will take care of themselves."(Russell M. Nelson) 

We do not need things to be about rights, we have the desire, a yearning for something that will fill our soul, that is our right. That guides our process and leaves us complete. I abhor the thought of choosing to be the mother of my children and stay at home to care for them due to obligation. How far does obligation carry us when the heart of the matter is in a different place than what we are choosing. How long can we force ourselves without consequences, to hear the voice of another while disregarding our own. In education, when there is desire the learning curve leaps forward,and then needs become met, through the innate desires - when desires are understood and heard all are edified. I had this experience at one point in my life of having an injury that needed physical therapy. The therapist told me that he needed to see me three times a week, for roughly three to four hours a session to achieve what we needed to. I had four children, who I was homeschooling at the time. I thought it impossible, they could no do without my guidance for that kind of time, nor did it feel right. I felt obligated to be at home with them. I determined that the medical need made it impossible for me not to act on this issue and so I choose to go. For several months I left to take care of this problem and what I came to understand was rather enlightening. The real benefit was to my soul. I got to walk out the door of my house and for a few hours at a time I got to be just a person. I got to laugh with other adults, create friendships, think and hold myself rather gently. What amazed me was how this impacted our home. I was happier. The kids were happier, my marriage was better. We give permission for those things due to medical or health needs, but what of the mental health, how long do we "fake it until we make it". Our desires are the basis for our mental health, if they go unspoken, unheard and unheeded for long periods of time we can be assured that the pain will begin to creep in and eventually over take us. I learned the only way out of self sacrifice was to be sick. It was the only excuse that brought compassion, love, instead of judgment and criticism. I have heard so often the blame placed on a mother for the challenges of a child, right into adulthood, and I am guilty for wanting to promote that same thing. It is the first place my thoughts go when I hear of an errant child,……. must be the mothering….

 "I do not wish to wound any feelings, but all of us are aware of instances of active Latter-day Saint families who are experiencing difficulties with their children because mother is not where she ought to be—in the home."(Ezra T. Benson) "The seeds of divorce are often sown and the problems of children begin when mother works outside the home. You mothers should carefully count the cost before you decide to share breadwinning responsibilities with your husbands."(Ezra T. Benson) 

So, as a child, my first awareness was of my femininity, my desire to love and nurture, but I as a person am filled in by the rest of my strengths, needs and desires. And so, though there is a part of me both physically and emotionally/spiritually that yearns and loves to bring life and love to the world, there are many ways this takes form to bring full fruition and life to my soul. One of the things that I have learned is that I am the greatest gift to my children. That sounds like a curious statement, but as I heal and bring wholeness and desire to my soul, and as I base my choices on the love and desires implanted in my heart by God, not by some external source outside of myself, by the resonate frequency of my heart and desire and deepest yearnings, those are the gifts and permission that I offer to my children to have in their own life. There seems to be a sense that if I choose the things that are my deepest desire it means that I will neglect my children and those that I love. Again, that is a ridiculous assumptions, since when does my having a heart and voice and needs mean that I offer nothing to the people that I love. As a child I saw all of those things in myself, why would I need to lose most of who I am to offer anything, and everything to just one part of who I am . It is like being crippled, using only one aspect of my being to live life, invites a host of problems of imbalance, which inevitably will lead to mental illness, if not physical illness. We are whole beings, body, mind and spirit. We hear each part of our soul, not one over the other. My role in life for eternity must resonant with my heart and soul, not through the heart of an organization, but the real essence of this challenge is the belief that I do not have the capacity to connect with God and deeply understand my needs for continued progress and potential growth without an external source.

 "Important lessons about her divine mission may be learned from women of the scriptures. Mother Eve was a great example. She labored beside her husband as a partner. They both knew the plan of salvation. They both heeded commandments of obedience to God. Likewise, she prayed for divine guidance. She bore children. She taught the gospel to them. (See Moses" "A woman is a master communicator. And she communicates best in humble prayer. " "I honor women who are not mothers. They know that motherhood is but one of the realms of womankind. The virtue and intelligence of women are uniquely applicable to other realms as well, such as compassionate service and teaching."

 Here we are told exactly what that will look like, each of our strengths as women fall into these categories. What does it mean to labour beside a husband or a partner. I have no issue with that, but when there becomes a need for mother to find a space as a person, with a mind a heart, the laboring can and will look differently than that prescribed by the "authorities" solution to all problems. The funny thing is I know some woman who are not great communicators at all. It has nothing to do with being a woman. It is a strength that some have and some do not, along with nurturing and compassion. There are plenty of women that service, compassion and teaching are not their forte at all. Lets get real here, as a woman I am unique and distinct in my needs and contributions to the world. What will be the solution that I seek may not be for another woman. We are virtually all capable of bringing life into the world, but not all of us have the same hungering and development of our nurturing potential. I have watched many mothers. I don't know that I can say I have seen one that I am sure didn't love their children, or nurture, care and protect them. That happens when a woman conceives, and of course it is not limited only to a physical conception of a child, but many other ways of conceiving creates that same protective love that a woman brings . A woman knows what it looks like to mother a child. No one needs to tell her and the more we say about how she should do that, the more dignity we take from the women who must service their own needs at the same time as those of their families. What does selflessness really mean? Scary and destructive the way I was taught, but when we fill ourselves and become accountable for our own needs and desires and the choices we make, that becomes beautiful and incredibly powerful to both mother, child, and spouse. That is when we really begin to find life and find it in abundance. To live from a place of self accountability, meaning that I will take responsibility for my needs, desires and choices and allow you the same privilege. I will not make my choices in a codependent way. I will not take responsibility for your needs, desires and choices, they are yours, but in the scheme of things, if you are my child or spouse, I will be aware of your needs, choices and desires and they will also filter through mine and my love for you. They cannot take precedence over mine, or I would be empty and have nothing to offer you, but I promise they will be heard and important. I don't ask for anything more in this relationship of love in my family life, but the understanding that we are each accountable to ourselves and we live not in expectation and obligation, but in expectancy of the love we share. We do not try to control all in our power, but live in our power and hope to find peace in what we cannot control.