I love reading some people's blogs because they can just say what they want to say and then get on
with it. I have trouble doing that. I always feel like I have to see everything there is to see about it and
explain everything that I know so that it will make perfect sense. I know there is a place for that,
maybe if you are a researcher, but I am not. Sometimes I am just scared to just say what I think and feel
without having any real reason, just because my heart felt something.
Today I was feeling physically tired and kind of weak, but I have been running and couldn't stop. Not
because there wasn't a space to, but because I couldn't let myself, for fear of failing, not doing enough,
not being enough. I have worn myself out for the last few months, partly out of delight and desire to be
doing what I am doing, but partly just because I am afraid. The fear and the sadness run with me every
day. So to escape I escape into study, creating, sometimes loving and being with people. It isn't all
unhealthy, but today was.
I was not feeling well at all and when I finally stopped and asked the question why I realized I had not
eaten anything solid for twenty four hours. I can list a ton of reason why, midterms, smoothies are my
fall back, but it really comes down to be afraid to be totally connected to my own feelings. It is
terrifying to admit that I am afraid of speaking my own truth. I am afraid to say I am sad, there has been
so much loss that I haven't even begun to figure out to process. And I am afraid that if I hear and speak
I become vulnerable; I ache to NOT hold it all by myself, but the walls have been built and are tall and
strong and breaking them down is no small feat. Each step is tiny, going to school, speaking up for
what I see and putting myself out to contribute in the ways that I love and connecting with people
whose resonance I just love to take in, but it is all terrifying in its own right. Some
days I can hold it up to the light and say I am afraid, but I know why and I am ok. Here and now I am
ok, so I will take this step.
Today I realized I had moved past being able to hold it up and look and moved directly into disconnect.
The fear too much, the sadness too deep and so I stand here now, needing to stop and hold it up.
Somethings I cannot fix and the pain will always be so deeply in my heart, others weave in and out
bringing hope insight and joy as they weave in and out of the sadness. I am not my fear today, it is with
me. My sadness is a gift, when it rises to be heard and I can't eat and move I know I have to stop and
listen. I have to be gentle, like I am with all the beautiful people that I cherish and I have to remember I
am one of them.
The feelings so hard to feel, are the gift. I fight the battle every day of what it feels like to belong in my
own skin with my own heart. It has begun to be a beautiful journey and I am really beginning to like
myself and find such delight and meaning in the process of becoming. Some days I hit my threshold
and it impacts how I treat myself and how I love myself. But today I remember, and I know this…..I
am not the sum total of the mark I got on my midterm, the approval of others because of where I may or
may not sit on Sunday, what I eat, what I drink, what I
wear, but only how I love. How love lives in me.
So, today, letting go, stopping, listening, perhaps to the tears, the inability to put food in my mouth, or
some other symptoms that is calling for my heart to listen. Today I am listening. And tomorrow will
will have hope for a different story because today I listened.
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