I Choose Love………..

I hate those moments when I feel the block to something important to understand, but I cannot find it on a conscious level, can't find the words. It is lost and locked somewhere inside. I can't get past the fear. I want to look like someone who my mother will love, or the person that others will look up to. Smetimes I want it so much, I try to create it by drawing the picture in my mind of what it should look like. The person will be brave and strong and always supportive of others, never tire and always love. She will have endless perspective and insight into all of he difficulties she might find and they will never stop her from completing what tasks those outside, those in the periphery would deem as faithful, making her worthy. The picture is beautiful, except achingly empty. The reality, forced behind the curtains of tears, wiped up before they have spilled from her eyes. The longing, replaced with a forced desire for what is prescribed. The dreams, locked away in favor of what should be, the ache of what might be is kept tightly out of reach of her heart, lest it crumble after all of the years of loss.
The problem with this design, is that it cannot be done without cost. The cost: the heart. The cost: dreams of the future , belonging to your own heart. The cost is all of that,not just the word heart, not just the word dream or future, no the cost is the real thing. This is not about the painted version that fits into someone else's timeline and version of your life. IT is the one, if given up leaves you broken in grief, bent and weeping in agony of the loss. This time it is real, not just one you can sweep under the rug of excuses, of intellectual reasons that your create to try and justify the belief that says you cannot really live, your life is a placeholder for everyone else. And you believe it, happily. But when something comes along that you can no longer sweep under the rug, That loss, the one you cannot choose whether you will feel or not, because it is exploding out of every pore of your being. So many things you have never let yourself feel, this one sets them all free, a torrent, a bursting of a dam. Past are the moments of trying to create the reason and the meaning so as to be able to continue to suppress the realness of your being, the woman that aches to be held and known and seen. The mother that wants her child to come home, even though his headstone has been laid. The woman facing rejection again in love. The woman, has doesn't face rejection, because she goes unseen.

How do we get past the words, the words hold us hostage. The words cannot tell the story of not belonging in an empty world, a world of walking dead a world of pretense, pasted smiles amidst, burgeoning symptomology crying out for release. There is more, those beliefs stops us from seeing ourselves. We get out our box and nicely put all the pieces together to fit inside it, when our emotions, our feelings our desires and our vision do not fit in the box, we rearrange them and hide them and fit them into the box in pieces, the heart now in pieces fits in the box. But it can never be held, nor can it feel, not in pieces, it continues to bleed, covering all that we believe is good in our blood, leaving us to wonder how all of this became covered in so much wreckage.
The realization is: walls must come down. You alone have the answer, you with God. NOt you with the man made God of someone else, no the God that speaks only to you, the one that is the creator of love and holds yours deeply, no hostage is exchange for a few trite words and phrases, no not that God. This is the God of life, your life. He made you. You are his, he knows you and, you know him, not through someone or something else, but through your own soul, emotions desires feelings and life. The answer lies inside your heart and its desires, they came from him. That is the long way, not quick fix, no pat answer to fix everything that is breaking your heart, and try to make the destroyed heart, that has been created seem as though it is a good thing. No, no more of that. The good thing about that damaged heart is that where it is leading you. Then on that path you can finally start to listen. No more excuses about how the heart is not really broken, that it is supposed to be this way. IT is really broken, really damaged and won't heal until you finally see it for what it is.

So, You start to walk, you walk away from those things that hold no life and no love. You walk faster and faster until you gain strength and desire is pushing you forward into what you have always wanted to be, always were, but never believed. The beautiful thing is that all the things that are real, they come too. Your love, for the people dear to you. It comes to. It does not become lost because you become found. It becomes more powerful and poignant and more fresh and beautiful in the perspective of a living heart and soul instead of the heart in pieces packed in a box. So, I chose love, the heart made whole. I chose love.

There is a moment, over and over again to chose love. Christ made everything hang on love. IT seems to be backwards everywhere I look. He did not ask us to do everything and then try and include love. That is why we can sit in places that are supposed to be inviting healing and they do not heal, they simply are not based on love. When it is there, there is no question. Love is the force that created life, it designed the universe, makes the oceans ebb and flow. Love has paved the way for everything that matters. Love speaks the message. Love needs no words. Love created us. When we love, there is energy and power. No one can tell you if it is not there, it is undeniable. WIth love there is perspective, without fear.The space holds itself without my help. That is how powerful love is No, nothing comes before love. And nothing comes after. IT is everything in between. IF you watch you can see it. If you listen you can hear it. If you stop and be still you can feel it. So, I choose love and I choose life. I am letting go, for only in letting go of what is not love can I fully embrace what is.
Now I know, why sometimes I get stuck and can't find the words, I have simply fallen out of love. I chose love again and again. When I forget and stumble, I know what it feels like, and I know my way back there. So today I chose love………………