The conundrums of choices

There are so many things in life that there are expectations for. In our work, we get asked to do extra things, take on more to help others. In our families, we expect people to believe the same, want the same things. And when we say no, we can often be faced with feelings of guilt, decreased sense of worth from ourselves. And from others, maybe comments that are ignorant, lack compassion or real interest or concern about why we have made the choices we have. Often others want to create solutions for us, so that we can align with what is comfortable to them,. These can all be challenging to navigate, especially if our reasons for taking the stand we have has to do with grief, exhaustion, burnout, or something else along the lines of a person being close to emotionally lacking the ability to continue clinging to the present circumstances as they currently are. I was speaking to a colleague at work today about this. She has recently lost her mother and best friend in her life. She has just finished doing some grief counseling, which she admitted was terribly challenging and emotional, especially in trying to maintain her current load at work. She pointed out to me that as they talked in her group about the need to set boundaries as you are going through these things, others may not understand and that rather than saying "I can't", saying " I choose not to". I thought about that briefly, but still found that hard to say and then I realized I needed a conscious reason if I am saying no. I have to understand it, so that I can in good conscience know that I really am choosing what is best for me. I realize at times in the past I have made decisions to walk way from things, usually nothing very significant, but I think I always felt bad. I have an intuitive sense as to why I made those choices, but nothing I could really fully explain or feel deeply about. Mostly my intuition has been ahead of reasoning in terms of being able to recognize why something is not good for me. But I need to know, not just feel it, although that to is important. For without the feeling, it is just an intellectual argument. I have found myself struggling to understand why in my current job I am periodically feeling good and then burned out. Wanting to leave, and wanting to stay. I recognize that something wasn't working, but I didn't know what. I tend to be too loyal, and too concerned about if I will let someone else down, so I stay usually until something becomes so destructive to me that the intuition gets so strong that I cannot ignore it, even if I don't really know why. But today I realized something new, something I had not understood before. In saying that "I can't", there is more that needs to be added. "I can't" is only the intuition speaking without the concrete reason for the choice, sometimes it is ok, but in matters of significant importance, there needs to be more. The more, I finally heard and could add. "I can't choose that if I want …….whatever particular need/desire is there. My job has some great parts, but the essence of what I am doing is burning me out. So, I now know that IF I want to remain emotionally and physically healthy, have some desire in my life, I can't stay extendedly. I can limp along and finish what I have started, but in creating life in the long term, my time has to be spent in a way that better lifts and fills my heart and soul. So, this sounds so simple and obvious, but getting to the conscious knowledge of the why has been challenging. I have grown so accustomed to muffling any cries or sounds of my own voice with the expectations and/or needs of others, I had become completely unable to look at a circumstance and have any recollection as to whether it was something I could do and remain in good emotions health. Usually I just said,"Yes" and picked up the pieces later. The lesson I had been taught about life was one of racing to make sure obligations are met and then some. NEver stopping because there was a perception that we were running a race with a prize therefore we cannot stop, set a boundary or recognize a desire. No, it is always about the race, the voice that starts rearing its head always is about never stopping, as that is defined as quitting. The blinders are on. We do not look to the right or to the left, but only at the task at hand and it doesn't matter how badly it is going for your, you never stop. Those are the messages that I have heard through my life. Suddenly I realized that those were false beliefs. There is no race, just a beautiful opportunity to experience many wonderful things, that get missed when we are driving at prizes and result, comparison and statistics. When those things define a person's worth….. well, it is just plain exhausting until that point when there is nothing left. That is when the words "I can't if I want to live", "I can't if I am going to have some delight in my life", "I can't if I am going to find my reason for living", yes, that is when those words spoken, loud and clear.. It doesn't matter what those on the sidelines say, or how they judge your performance, I don't belong to the race any more. I have decided just to be a person, one who lives with her heart and soul in the present moment, seeing perceiving and understanding consciously what is here, instead of closing my eyes and pretending that what is there is something else and if I try hard enough I can believe the consequence I know is happening away, but only for a while. Lying to ourselves can soothe us for a moment, but it always catches up to us at some point. When we choose not to listen, the toll it takes upon our souls grows incrementally each time we deny what we know about our hearts, needs and desires. So, today, I say I cannot do the things that you want me to if I want to stay healthy, if I want to enjoy a fulfilling relationship of joy with my self, my family and my dreams. So, it becomes obvious if I choose what you want for me, I am choosing your dream and your hopes and your experience and not my own. That would be perhaps the saddest thing that we as people could ever do. There is only one you. Only one person who has your unique insights, experience, abilities, love, desires, passions and so forth. What would the world look like if you set those aside to be what someone else expected, walked the path someone else decided for you, someone who had no idea of your heart. In essence you would be lost and with that there would be a void left in the world where you and your delight, your life, your love and your dreams were once alive. That would be a sad day…….